[faithsthinkingdiary.wordpress.com] “✧ Entry 4: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly ✧”

Continuing the 30-day blogging challenge, today’s topic is to describe the good, the bad and the ugly about myself. I chose this particular version of the challenge because I believe the topics to be more challenging than the more superficial things I could talk about. For anyone, it’s difficult to be objective about yourself. For me, I find myself in the habit of being extremely critical of everything that I do. Which is why, today, I will try to be as neutral and objective as I can, to describe me. It’s best to end on a good note, so I will order it as so: the bad, the ugly and the good.

The bad

As a young person, I consider myself to come with a substantial amount of ‘baggage’. Some of that baggage has huge influences on me and my relationships today and, in the past two years or so, I’ve begun coming to terms with my identity and my flaws, accepting and loving myself, but never forgetting to try and grow into someone I am proud to be.

Firstly, the struggle with trust. I spent a long time believing that I was a very trusting person, when in reality, even with the people I want to trust, I find myself struggling to truly trust. My inner process is always quite extreme, wondering about things like, “I would take a bullet for this person. Would they take one for me?” And most wouldn’t (and definitely shouldn’t!). But that does not make me change my opinion on someone. It just means it takes a very long time for all of my walls to completely come down.

Secondly, “the hermit”. I like to stay inside and when I’m inside, I have selective conversation. People call me a chatterbox in social environments, outside, though in actuality, conversations tire me exponentially. The tedium of small talk sometimes stops me from engaging with people at all. That, combined with a deep-rooted fear of judgement and social exclusion, results in me isolating myself entirely. Being this way has made me very grateful for the people who continue to make an effort with me, even understanding how difficult it can be to maintain a friendship or relationship with me.

Lastly, fearfulness and anxiety. Friends and family have observed that I may be a slight hypochondriac, can be highly-strung, overly cautious and unnecessarily nervous, a lot of the time. For the most part, people find it more funny than disconcerting but it is actually quite hard to live with. I get called dramatic and paranoid and that is not necessarily wrong, however, my belief is that everybody is afflicted with a combination of illnesses, disorders and troubles, especially mental. This doesn’t justify my actions, really, I am very grateful for my health and body. I just think it’s silly to pretend like we are all fine and completely healthy. Once you can figure out what makes you feel bad, you can take real and effective steps to stop feeling bad, instead of waiting for it to pass.

The ugly

I assume this question to be aimed inwardly, on the personality and the mind. I’m going to take it that way because I can’t see any good reason to talk about my ugly physical features. I can be very emotionally ugly. Not many have seen it but those who have, always know it’s there. Being totally open, I have an emotion disorder known as Borderline Personality Disorder; there is an uncomfortable amount of misinformation about the disorder, a lot that creates discrimination towards those who have struggled with it, such as being called manipulative and abusive. I find myself completely understanding that point of view and finding it hurtful simultaneously. Here is the NHS’ medical description of what Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is:

>> “Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. Symptoms of borderline personality include being emotionally unstable, having upsetting thoughts and acting without thinking.The main treatment for borderline personality disorder is a type of talking therapy called psychotherapy.The cause of borderline personality disorder is unclear. It’s been linked to traumatic events during childhood, such as neglect or abuse.” <<

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/#overview

Those who believe they are being manipulated are not likely to be lying – though, they are looking at the scenario through their own, non-BPD, lens. In the past, I could not bear being left, dumped, excluded or ignored. If it happened, I would become very depressed, upset and self-pitying. This is one of the most vulnerable moments for someone with borderline, but it’s also the hardest time for people caring for that person. This is the time where we are, characteristically, more likely to harm ourselves or do something to ‘numb’ the pain. Thankfully though, I went through a year long course of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, somewhat similar to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and learned how to cope with my difficulties. Having this personality disorder just means you have to work ten times harder to take care of your emotions, impulsivity and vulnerabilities and to be extra grateful for the people who care about you, because they will, or already have, experienced you at your worst. A bright side of this disorder is that I have endless wells of emotion, compassion and empathy, I try to make others happy as much as I can, but, as I get older, I must never forget to make myself happy, too.

Another ugly is my cynicism. Ooooh, boy. You’ve read this blog so far. Need I say more?

The good

I love art, music, nature and having a good time. I care deeply about people close to me and I have a deep drive to succeed, but success also means happiness and contentment – not just money and boys/girls. Books, deep talks and twenty-minute comedy drama episodes are some of the things that make me happiest. I don’t think I’m difficult to be around either!

So, that’s it for today folks. Thanks so much for reading, I’m excited to be on this journey with you. Check back tomorrow for day 3: current relationship or being single! Lots of interesting things to unpack there! See you soon!

Yours,

Faith

https://faithsthinkingdiary.wordpress.com/2020/03/30/entry-4/comment-page-1/#comment-62

Excellent blog, Faith 🙂

I think it’s great that you’re doing the 30-day challenge thing … and the day after that, you will be … continuing … ? 😉

Let me give a couple tips (IMHO, of course 😉 )

  1. every day isn’t really important — you can do every minute or every month, too (it’s ALL good)
  2. don’t worry about SEO: G doesn’t matter; think what’s useful FOR YOURSELF; when I tag + categorize, I consider what would help me find THIS PARTICULAR POST (versus all the other ones); plus (it’s a FREE BONUS): you can use the WP backend to search for tags etc. 😉
  3. you know what I’M THINKING would be a good brand name for you? take the first three letters of your name + stickem in front of either think or thinking!! 😀 Are you inked? are you inking your ideas onto this blog?? LOL!!! Go register it!!! If you need help, drop me an email.

Last (un-numbered, so I can say I only mentioned 3 things 😉 ): I read your “about” section — EXCELLENTLY written, BTW — just as I was listening to Joe Satriani’s “I just wanna rock” — LOL, there’s a voice asking “what is your purpose”, and he yells back — yea, cool 😉 BTW#2 your tagline ALSO ROCKS!!!

[2020-04-16 12:57 UTC]

#anxiety, #art, #bad, #baggage, #bpd, #fear, #good, #hermit, #music, #nature, #think, #thinking, #trust, #ugly

[saniasarwat.wordpress.com] “To be who we really are”

A famous writer Paulo Coelho once said, “If you want to achieve something, the whole universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” There were times when I felt that this statement was written without any research and critical knowledge and what made me think so were the disappointing and miserable situations I came across when I entered intermediate level at the college.
I selected Biology as a typical subject (the youth of our area are respected when they choose Biology or Mathematics for further studies especially at intermediate level) but I could not go with it for more than two months and I had to give up Biology and switch to Arts. I was happy with my decision unless I saw many unsolicited advice and opinions bombarding my neurons.
Barely after a few days, all my friends and relatives started questioning my subject selection with a strength and flow that was no less than water stream bursting out a water-pipe: “Why did you choose Arts?”, “Oh! So it means that you spoiled yourself”, “Are you kidding me, you should not have taken Arts” were the words that took away my peace of mind.
I was mentally unwell and felt sorry for myself. Something inside me cursed me for the decision. I felt as if I have committed the worst and unspeakable mistake of my life. My chest was burning with sorrow as the days passed by. Unable to answer their questions, my hands used to shake while meeting Science students and my mind took me to a place where I felt valueless.
I kept asking my teachers about the future of my subject and their answers cured me for one more day. But again:
“Like an Arab old and blind
some caravan has left behind”
My fear regarding the risk of my subject perpetually remained with me. With a heavy heart, I forced myself move forward. Sometimes, I tried to comfort myself with positive thoughts and kept the examples of my great teachers in mind as an inspiration.
Slowly and gradually, I convinced myself that I should move forward with my decision. My performance was good and I kept working hard. The year passed by but deep down, I was unable to get rid of my fears.
At the end of the year, we entered ‘exam preparation’ part and I kept burning the midnight oil till the examinations were held. After three months the results were announced and I was beside myself with joy to know that I had topped not only the class but the whole district (of humanities group).
It was then when I realized that I was on the right track. My abilities were in Arts and I was better off with Arts than Science. From then on, I was happy with my decision because it was the best decision for me and will always be as it was the decision of my heart which kept me closer to my personal legend. I hope that it would last forever.
It lasted long since I learned the most important lesson of life i.e. to be who I really am. People are so different from each other and no one can ever know other people’s nature to the fullest. Thus, after this experience I started believing myself and do whatever what my heart desires.
Let’s be who we really are and let’s follow our hearts. And remember, when love and hard-work together, success runs after this golden combination.

So what is your verdict now — was Paulo’s statement correct or incorrect?

https://saniasarwat.wordpress.com/2020/04/09/to-be-who-we-really-are/comment-page-1/#comment-1

[2020-04-09 17:17 UTC]

#art, #arts, #community, #environment, #environmental, #force, #forces, #help, #helping, #natural, #nature, #paulo-coelo, #science, #whole-universe-conspires