[faithsthinkingdiary.wordpress.com] “✧ Entry 4: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly ✧”

Continuing the 30-day blogging challenge, today’s topic is to describe the good, the bad and the ugly about myself. I chose this particular version of the challenge because I believe the topics to be more challenging than the more superficial things I could talk about. For anyone, it’s difficult to be objective about yourself. For me, I find myself in the habit of being extremely critical of everything that I do. Which is why, today, I will try to be as neutral and objective as I can, to describe me. It’s best to end on a good note, so I will order it as so: the bad, the ugly and the good.

The bad

As a young person, I consider myself to come with a substantial amount of ‘baggage’. Some of that baggage has huge influences on me and my relationships today and, in the past two years or so, I’ve begun coming to terms with my identity and my flaws, accepting and loving myself, but never forgetting to try and grow into someone I am proud to be.

Firstly, the struggle with trust. I spent a long time believing that I was a very trusting person, when in reality, even with the people I want to trust, I find myself struggling to truly trust. My inner process is always quite extreme, wondering about things like, “I would take a bullet for this person. Would they take one for me?” And most wouldn’t (and definitely shouldn’t!). But that does not make me change my opinion on someone. It just means it takes a very long time for all of my walls to completely come down.

Secondly, “the hermit”. I like to stay inside and when I’m inside, I have selective conversation. People call me a chatterbox in social environments, outside, though in actuality, conversations tire me exponentially. The tedium of small talk sometimes stops me from engaging with people at all. That, combined with a deep-rooted fear of judgement and social exclusion, results in me isolating myself entirely. Being this way has made me very grateful for the people who continue to make an effort with me, even understanding how difficult it can be to maintain a friendship or relationship with me.

Lastly, fearfulness and anxiety. Friends and family have observed that I may be a slight hypochondriac, can be highly-strung, overly cautious and unnecessarily nervous, a lot of the time. For the most part, people find it more funny than disconcerting but it is actually quite hard to live with. I get called dramatic and paranoid and that is not necessarily wrong, however, my belief is that everybody is afflicted with a combination of illnesses, disorders and troubles, especially mental. This doesn’t justify my actions, really, I am very grateful for my health and body. I just think it’s silly to pretend like we are all fine and completely healthy. Once you can figure out what makes you feel bad, you can take real and effective steps to stop feeling bad, instead of waiting for it to pass.

The ugly

I assume this question to be aimed inwardly, on the personality and the mind. I’m going to take it that way because I can’t see any good reason to talk about my ugly physical features. I can be very emotionally ugly. Not many have seen it but those who have, always know it’s there. Being totally open, I have an emotion disorder known as Borderline Personality Disorder; there is an uncomfortable amount of misinformation about the disorder, a lot that creates discrimination towards those who have struggled with it, such as being called manipulative and abusive. I find myself completely understanding that point of view and finding it hurtful simultaneously. Here is the NHS’ medical description of what Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is:

>> “Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. Symptoms of borderline personality include being emotionally unstable, having upsetting thoughts and acting without thinking.The main treatment for borderline personality disorder is a type of talking therapy called psychotherapy.The cause of borderline personality disorder is unclear. It’s been linked to traumatic events during childhood, such as neglect or abuse.” <<


Those who believe they are being manipulated are not likely to be lying – though, they are looking at the scenario through their own, non-BPD, lens. In the past, I could not bear being left, dumped, excluded or ignored. If it happened, I would become very depressed, upset and self-pitying. This is one of the most vulnerable moments for someone with borderline, but it’s also the hardest time for people caring for that person. This is the time where we are, characteristically, more likely to harm ourselves or do something to ‘numb’ the pain. Thankfully though, I went through a year long course of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, somewhat similar to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and learned how to cope with my difficulties. Having this personality disorder just means you have to work ten times harder to take care of your emotions, impulsivity and vulnerabilities and to be extra grateful for the people who care about you, because they will, or already have, experienced you at your worst. A bright side of this disorder is that I have endless wells of emotion, compassion and empathy, I try to make others happy as much as I can, but, as I get older, I must never forget to make myself happy, too.

Another ugly is my cynicism. Ooooh, boy. You’ve read this blog so far. Need I say more?

The good

I love art, music, nature and having a good time. I care deeply about people close to me and I have a deep drive to succeed, but success also means happiness and contentment – not just money and boys/girls. Books, deep talks and twenty-minute comedy drama episodes are some of the things that make me happiest. I don’t think I’m difficult to be around either!

So, that’s it for today folks. Thanks so much for reading, I’m excited to be on this journey with you. Check back tomorrow for day 3: current relationship or being single! Lots of interesting things to unpack there! See you soon!




Excellent blog, Faith 🙂

I think it’s great that you’re doing the 30-day challenge thing … and the day after that, you will be … continuing … ? 😉

Let me give a couple tips (IMHO, of course 😉 )

  1. every day isn’t really important — you can do every minute or every month, too (it’s ALL good)
  2. don’t worry about SEO: G doesn’t matter; think what’s useful FOR YOURSELF; when I tag + categorize, I consider what would help me find THIS PARTICULAR POST (versus all the other ones); plus (it’s a FREE BONUS): you can use the WP backend to search for tags etc. 😉
  3. you know what I’M THINKING would be a good brand name for you? take the first three letters of your name + stickem in front of either think or thinking!! 😀 Are you inked? are you inking your ideas onto this blog?? LOL!!! Go register it!!! If you need help, drop me an email.

Last (un-numbered, so I can say I only mentioned 3 things 😉 ): I read your “about” section — EXCELLENTLY written, BTW — just as I was listening to Joe Satriani’s “I just wanna rock” — LOL, there’s a voice asking “what is your purpose”, and he yells back — yea, cool 😉 BTW#2 your tagline ALSO ROCKS!!!

[2020-04-16 12:57 UTC]


#anxiety, #art, #bad, #baggage, #bpd, #fear, #good, #hermit, #music, #nature, #think, #thinking, #trust, #ugly

[earthmotherem.wordpress.com] “Trusting when People Leave your Life”

In the past six months, I have had three people choose to fall away from my life. Two were mostly in step with when my second son was born; one was more recent than that. My Mother always used to say that things came in threes, and it has stuck in my head, so maybe I partly manifested this number, based on that old superstition 🙂

When people up & go, it can create a feeling within of guilt: what did I do wrong? But let me tell you – when someone does this, it is more to do with what is going on within them, than it is to do with you. Unless you chronically have people ditching you – then, yeah, you might need to take a look at yourself. But that’s a post for another day 🙂

So, the three people were: a friend who I saw maybe a small handful of times each year, a good friend and a family member. They often say that you will lose people when big, life events happen: marriage, divorce, having a baby. I think that this instance, in particular, is when it is more to do with the other person. The significant change in your life has stirred something within them. So they choose to leave your life, unconsciously creating a reason that is irrelevant to your situation. Or you just stop hearing from them.

The family member leaving my life was more that I was a bystander of this person’s choice. The fact of the matter is, though, when she chose to stop seeing one of us – in actuality, she of course chose to stop seeing all of us.

The bottom line to all of this is not a matter of me being right and them wrong or vice versa. Whether or not they have bigger things going on in their lives/in their heads. Whether I inadvertently pissed them off or not.

What it all comes down to is how I choose to deal with it.

I can dwell on it; I can point my finger and call them horrible names. I can throw a pity party. Not that anyone can come to it #socialdistancing

What I can do – what you can do, if you are ever in this situation – is take some deep breaths. Feel grateful for the role they played in your life. Write them a letter, detailing those gratefuls. Or write them a letter, venting. Or do both. Just drop it in your local post box without a stamp – or you can burn or bury the letter, if that resonates with you more.

Trust that everything is always working out for your highest good. Acknowledge that your vibration – the energy you give out – changed and was no longer of the same vibration that this person’s was.

Law of Attraction brings us who and what we are in sync with – whether you’re deliberately creating or creating by default.

Trust that the role this person came into your life for has played out and it is for the highest good of you both that you have now moved on.

Life is what we make of it. It happens through our words, thoughts, emotions and actions.

Choose how you will react.

Blessings to you. Have a beautiful day. xx

I don’t believe in the so-called law of attraction. Instead I prefer to REPEL people! (LOL 😉 )

Just posted on something similar recently — see https://fuckwith.news.blog/2020/03/31/to-fuck-with-or-not-to-fuck-with


[2020-04-04 14:28 UTC]

#disconnect, #distance, #distanced, #distancing, #fuck-with, #fuckwith, #law-of-attraction, #leave, #leaving, #relationship, #relationships, #text, #trust, #trusting