Continuing the 30-day blogging challenge, today’s topic is to describe the good, the bad and the ugly about myself. I chose this particular version of the challenge because I believe the topics to be more challenging than the more superficial things I could talk about. For anyone, it’s difficult to be objective about yourself. For me, I find myself in the habit of being extremely critical of everything that I do. Which is why, today, I will try to be as neutral and objective as I can, to describe me. It’s best to end on a good note, so I will order it as so: the bad, the ugly and the good.
As a young person, I consider myself to come with a substantial amount of ‘baggage’. Some of that baggage has huge influences on me and my relationships today and, in the past two years or so, I’ve begun coming to terms with my identity and my flaws, accepting and loving myself, but never forgetting to try and grow into someone I am proud to be.
Firstly, the struggle with trust. I spent a long time believing that I was a very trusting person, when in reality, even with the people I want to trust, I find myself struggling to truly trust. My inner process is always quite extreme, wondering about things like, “I would take a bullet for this person. Would they take one for me?” And most wouldn’t (and definitely shouldn’t!). But that does not make me change my opinion on someone. It just means it takes a very long time for all of my walls to completely come down.
Secondly, “the hermit”. I like to stay inside and when I’m inside, I have selective conversation. People call me a chatterbox in social environments, outside, though in actuality, conversations tire me exponentially. The tedium of small talk sometimes stops me from engaging with people at all. That, combined with a deep-rooted fear of judgement and social exclusion, results in me isolating myself entirely. Being this way has made me very grateful for the people who continue to make an effort with me, even understanding how difficult it can be to maintain a friendship or relationship with me.
Lastly, fearfulness and anxiety. Friends and family have observed that I may be a slight hypochondriac, can be highly-strung, overly cautious and unnecessarily nervous, a lot of the time. For the most part, people find it more funny than disconcerting but it is actually quite hard to live with. I get called dramatic and paranoid and that is not necessarily wrong, however, my belief is that everybody is afflicted with a combination of illnesses, disorders and troubles, especially mental. This doesn’t justify my actions, really, I am very grateful for my health and body. I just think it’s silly to pretend like we are all fine and completely healthy. Once you can figure out what makes you feel bad, you can take real and effective steps to stop feeling bad, instead of waiting for it to pass.
I assume this question to be aimed inwardly, on the personality and the mind. I’m going to take it that way because I can’t see any good reason to talk about my ugly physical features. I can be very emotionally ugly. Not many have seen it but those who have, always know it’s there. Being totally open, I have an emotion disorder known as Borderline Personality Disorder; there is an uncomfortable amount of misinformation about the disorder, a lot that creates discrimination towards those who have struggled with it, such as being called manipulative and abusive. I find myself completely understanding that point of view and finding it hurtful simultaneously. Here is the NHS’ medical description of what Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is:
>> “Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. Symptoms of borderline personality include being emotionally unstable, having upsetting thoughts and acting without thinking.The main treatment for borderline personality disorder is a type of talking therapy called psychotherapy.The cause of borderline personality disorder is unclear. It’s been linked to traumatic events during childhood, such as neglect or abuse.” <<
Those who believe they are being manipulated are not likely to be lying – though, they are looking at the scenario through their own, non-BPD, lens. In the past, I could not bear being left, dumped, excluded or ignored. If it happened, I would become very depressed, upset and self-pitying. This is one of the most vulnerable moments for someone with borderline, but it’s also the hardest time for people caring for that person. This is the time where we are, characteristically, more likely to harm ourselves or do something to ‘numb’ the pain. Thankfully though, I went through a year long course of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, somewhat similar to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and learned how to cope with my difficulties. Having this personality disorder just means you have to work ten times harder to take care of your emotions, impulsivity and vulnerabilities and to be extra grateful for the people who care about you, because they will, or already have, experienced you at your worst. A bright side of this disorder is that I have endless wells of emotion, compassion and empathy, I try to make others happy as much as I can, but, as I get older, I must never forget to make myself happy, too.
Another ugly is my cynicism. Ooooh, boy. You’ve read this blog so far. Need I say more?
I love art, music, nature and having a good time. I care deeply about people close to me and I have a deep drive to succeed, but success also means happiness and contentment – not just money and boys/girls. Books, deep talks and twenty-minute comedy drama episodes are some of the things that make me happiest. I don’t think I’m difficult to be around either!
So, that’s it for today folks. Thanks so much for reading, I’m excited to be on this journey with you. Check back tomorrow for day 3: current relationship or being single! Lots of interesting things to unpack there! See you soon!
I think it’s great that you’re doing the 30-day challenge thing … and the day after that, you will be … continuing … ? 😉
Last (un-numbered, so I can say I only mentioned 3 things 😉 ): I read your “about” section — EXCELLENTLY written, BTW — just as I was listening to Joe Satriani’s “I just wanna rock” — LOL, there’s a voice asking “what is your purpose”, and he yells back — yea, cool 😉 BTW#2 your tagline ALSO ROCKS!!!